OCD and me

OCD you say, "what you just like things in order" NO far from that. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has been rated in the top 10 of the most debilitating illnesses around the whole world, affecting not only the sufferer with social problems but also becoming so mentally ill that it affects their income and work life.

what a sufferer would go through is disturbing and repeating thoughts, (intrusive thoughts) which the sends anxiety through the roof, what the person will do next are the compulsion which are acts either physical or mental to create a sense of relief of the anxiety.

Obsessions 

now OCD is very good at shape shifting and manipulating, that not only are they disturbing thoughts, they also are: images and videos being played out within the mind that feel very real, also it can create bodily sensations, urges and impulses that become uncomfortable and scary for the person to deal with.

Yes you are right on the fact that some obsessions are about cleanliness and organising things, but not because the sufferer wants to but because there is a scary controlling thought behind this, for example the sufferer will have an intrusive thought that if they do not clean the house then there would be a killer disease that would ending up taking their loved ones life, 

now intrusive thoughts happen to every single person in the world, but people who have OCD will put more meaning behind these thoughts which then make it more important to someone with OCD then people who are not diagnosed.

compulsions

now compulsions are what people with OCD do to relieve the awful and terrible feeling of anxiety we get after the obsession. going back to the example of the obsession "believing that the house is infected with a fatal virus or bacteria, the anxiety of that thought then starts to rise drastically, and when it happens it becomes the most overpowering and the most dangerous feeling to that person. so in our minds we then try to find something, anything to get rid of the anxious sensations or feelings that arise, so for the example the person will then clean the house rapidly or wash the hands continuously. until the anxiety then decreases and we feel normal again.

unfortunately for sufferers like me who have OCD before diagnosed do not realise that these compulsions become the icing on the cake. This is because compulsions then make the brain realise that this is a serious threat, because we gave the thought more notice then we ever should of because at the end of the day thoughts are just thoughts. but now the compulsion has been done that is when the obsessive compulsive cycle starts and then just becomes worse and worse every time you try to relieve the anxiety.

my story

right, here we go the journey into good old Declan's brain.  

it all started back in 2019, when my life was at probably the best it had ever been. i had a really good relationship with my family, a really interesting and amazing job, a good income and a really good strong relationship.  but things changed in September, when an awful thought came into my mind that just popped out of nowhere that was just out of my control. and this thought was about my past and my brain put it towards like this. " you need to tell your girlfriend about this thing you did in the past" and as soon as that thought came into my mind, i felt a heavy feeling of dread and anxiety run through my veins that literally stopped me in my tracks and stopped me from doing what I was doing at the time. now this thing in the past wasn't anything bad.  it was a sexual relationship i had with someone when me and my girlfriend had broken up for the first time thinking we weren't getting back together. however when i had this thought I felt like the most guiltiest man on earth and it felt like my life was now over, (now this is the example of an obsession)

due to this thought, it then became a living nightmare for me, it truly felt like I was in hell. and in my mind i thought the only way for me to feel better was to be honest with my girlfriend and tell her what happened. so I did I told her everything, and me thinking that was going be the end of my relationship and she would hate me. however she was understanding and said that we were broken up it thinking we weren't going to get back together, (there is more to this story that threw in extra complications for me) for me it was such a big weight of my chest for her understanding and not being upset with me.

but due to me confessing(which is actually a compulsion) was now my OCD set in stone, and only got worse from then on.

only after that did the anxiety become agonisingly worse. back then anxiety was the biggest thing in my life, the only thing i was focusing on. I kept analysing it wondering why it was there why was it so bad why did i feel like i had the worst butterflies in my stomach that felt like were going to explode. the anxiety became so bad, physical symptoms started to show i became physically ill, vomiting biole, my hands sweating like i just came out of a swimming pool. 

these feelings then became the starting point to my new room mate OCD. it then latched to these feelings and started to come up with reasons on why i might be feeling like this. I shall make a list on the obsessions that my mind came up with so i dont bore you too much with a long read:

1. False memory OCD e.g. false memories on cheating on my girlfriend.

2. relationship OCD, believing that my relationship was lie and not actually loving my girlfriend.

3. Harm OCD, believing that i was going to hurt the ones i loved and cared for the most. and having the urges that came with it.

4. real event OCD, kept going over things in my past that were over more then 6 years ago and feeling awful about them.

5. homosexuality OCD, thinking i was attracted to men.

and also other taboo topics that come with having OCD

experiencing these made my life hell, absolute hell. i felt alone and broken. at this time i didn't know these were all symptoms of OCD so i literally felt like i was going crazy. i kept trying and trying to stop this. it was not only making my life miserable but also my family and my girlfriends life a struggle. no one could help me because no one knew what i was going through. which made me feel worse because no matter how much i researched my symptoms or what i was going through, nothing would come up.

i was going to the doctors constantly telling them my symptoms but still they weren't helping or knowing what i was going through. i eventually ended up losing my relationship because I couldn't cope and was breaking me and her.  i was close to being out of a job because i literally was living in my mind rather then focusing on my job.  it was putting stress on my family relationships. so for me everything that could go wrong did. and i just couldn't cope my life truly felt like a burden and no matter how much i wanted and tried to get out of it and kept searching for something that i could relate to, the light would start to fade even more.

BUT i didn't give up i kept strong and i kept fighting because i am a fighter no matter if i felt like i was carrying the world on my shoulders, i still kept going and finally i found something relating to what i was going through and that was the start to me finding myself. Hope had come back and the loneliness started to dissapear. i now knew that i wasn't the only one going through this and thats where i learnt about OCD.

so after self help and a lot of ups and downs i have now finally found the help that i needed through a lot of hard work. i have a community who support me in an amazing way. i have a supporting loving family. i am now under the watch of a psychiatrist and a therapist that i see weekly. things are becoming easier as we speak or write for that matter.

To anyone reading this who is struggling and feeling like giving up. PLEASE DONT. i am so glad that i carried on holding  tight to hope because it has now giving me a happier view on life. you are never alone. there are 7 billion people on this world so at least one person will know how your feeling. carry on fighting whether its finding help or looking for it online. do not give up because eventually one day you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself that you did.

i know this blog and my story wasnt the most happiest and enjoyable thing to read but the world needs to realise that this is the reality for a lot of people. thankyou to anyone who took the time to read this long and deep story.

hopefully this helps to make a lot more people feel less alone like i did.

lots of love 

find your strength

Declan.